Mary Greenwood won a Finalist Medal in the Next Generation Indie Book Award Contest.
The Award Ceremony was held at the Monteleone Hotel in New Orleans, which is one of three Literary Landmarks in the USA. Writers Hemingway, Faulkner, Tennessee Williams and others stayed here. The other two Literary Landmarks are the Plaza Hotel and the Algonquin Hotel in New York City.
Mary is standing in front of a case in the lobby of the Hotel Monteleone that contains books from authors associated with the Hotel like Tennessee Williams, Ernest Hemingway, Truman Capote and Henry Faulkner.
This is the Tenth Book Award for How to Negotiate Like a Pro, How to Resolve Anything, Anytime, Anywhere.
See www.marygreenwood.org for more information about Mary Greenwood's other books, How to Mediate Like a Pro, winner of twelve book awards, and How to Interview Like a Pro, winner of twelve book awards.
How to Negotiate Like a Pro, How to Resolve Anything, Anytime, Anywhere has just won its tenth book award. Greenwood's book is a Finalist in the Next Generation Indie Book Awards in the "How To" category. Greenwood will attend the award ceremony at the Monteleone Hotel in New Orleans on June 22, 2018.
The other nine awards are:
2. Winner, DIY Book Festival, "How To."
3. Winner, Indie Excellence Book Awards, "How To."
4. Finalist, ForeWord, Magazine Book of the Year Awards, "Self-help."
5. Finalist, Readers Favorite Book Awards, "Self-help."
6. Finalist, International Book Awards, "Business/Finance."
7. Finalist, Best National Book Awards, "Self-help."
8. Runner-up, New York Book Festival, "E-book."
9. Runner-up, New York Book Festival, "Self-help."
10. Honorable Mention, London Book Festival, "Self-help."
First Prize Memoir for "A Man's Spot" by Mary Greenwood
I have been a member of the South Florida Writing Association for over ten years and find them a welcoming and encouraging group for all writers at all stages of their writing. They are also a lot of fun! Thanks for selecting "A Man's Spot" for First Place in Memoir for the topic of "Thoughts on Women in History." I am currently working on the rest of my memoir, whose working title is coincidentally called "A Man's Spot."
A Man’s Spot
“Do you realize you took a man’s spot?”
I swung around after I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I saw a male student that I had never met. I didn’t think I was hearing right. “What did you say?”
“Don’t you realize you took a man’s spot?”
I was 24 and this was my first class at Loyola Law School in Los Angeles in September 1968. I was so stunned and frozen that I said nothing. I could have said. “I certainly hope so” or “Do you feel threatened by me?” but the words didn’t come. Those words are still seared in my brain after almost 50 years, but I have no recollection of the man’s name or face.
I was truly flabbergasted by the comment because no one had ever said anything like that to me. I started at a woman’s college where we were taught that we were “uncommon women.” I spent my Junior year at University College Dublin where the first question was whether you were Protestant or Catholic, but no one ever questioned my right to be there. Then I finished my degree at the New School for Social Research in New York City at the beginning of the civil rights movement and women’s liberation, but I never felt direct discrimination. I had just completed a Masters Degree in English in LA, but perhaps literature was considered the proper realm for a woman and law was not.
I always wondered if that student asked all the women students or just me. There were other women students in my class. One was Rose Ochi, a Japanese-American, who had been sent as a child with her family to an internment camp in Rohwer, Arkansas during World War II. She told me her family had only one day to dispose of all their belongings in Los Angeles before leaving on the train. Rose later worked for the White House during President Clinton’s administration as an Assistant Attorney General under Janet Reno. Another woman student, Dr. Bailey, was already an established medical doctor. She was first in our class at the end of the first year. That student who said I took a “man’s spot” was not the only one who felt that women shouldn’t be lawyers. The men students would not allow women in their study groups; we mostly studied by ourselves because we lived in different parts of the County and had other commitments.
In retrospect, I wish I had asked that student exactly what he meant by his comment. Did he think women should not be lawyers in general or that women should not be law students in the night program? I taught English at Pasadena City College during the day and attended law school at night. Since we were attending a Catholic University, did he feel that being a woman lawyer went against God’s will? Did he feel men were smarter than women or that men could argue better than women? Or did he feel that I was taking away the livelihood of a man? Or did he feel that my place was in the home taking care of children even though at the time I did not have any?
I wish I had stood my ground and said something instead of wordlessly walking away. Over the last 49 years, I have thought of many rejoinders, responses and retorts. In my dreams, I turn into my Wonder Woman costume, complete with the silver cuffs, and yell something very clever and witty. In my fantasy, I am so persuasive that the student says “I am sorry. I know you will do well in law school and be a great attorney.” Then I snap back to reality.
Later I realized that I was not the only one. I was in good company. Belva Lockwood, the first woman attorney to argue before the Supreme Court, was not allowed to receive her law degree from George Washington University because “young men would not want to walk across the stage with her.” Belva did not give up and wrote to President Ulysses S. Grant, who was also the ex-officio Chancellor of George Washington University and she received her diploma within a week. The Dean at Harvard Law School chastised the women law students in Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s class for taking the spots of qualified males. After graduation, law firms would not hire Ginsburg, who was first in her class at Columbia where she transferred, or first Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, who was third at Stanford Law. In her recent book, What Happened, Hillary Clinton cites similar anecdotes about her experience at Yale Law School and she graduated in 1973, two years after I did.
Now when I meet a woman attorney, I ask her how many women were in her law school class and I tell her about the “man’s spot” comment. Unless she has graduated recently, she usually has similar stories to share. I say recently because since 2016, 51% of the students in law schools are women so male students are now in the minority.
After almost fifty years thinking about this “man spot” comment, I started realizing that my male classmate did me a big favor. He said what others were probably thinking. That first night at law school prepared me for the rest of my legal career. I heard many other sexist comments during my legal career, but I was no longer surprised, and, therefore, was able to find my voice and speak out. Whenever I was discouraged or thought of giving up, I remembered what that student said so long ago. As a result, I did my best and I persevered.
Mary Greenwood, Mediator, Attorney, Arbitrator, Negotiator, and Author of
How To Negotiate LikeA Pro: How to Resolve Anything, Anytime, Anywhere, Winner of 9 book awards; How to Mediate Like a Pro, Winner of 12 book awards; and How to Interview Like a Pro, Winner of 12 book awards. A Man's Spot, a Legal Memoir will be published in Fall 2018. Visit WWW.MaryGreenwood.org or email: Mgreen464@aol.com.
Author Book Signing, Anastasia Island Branch Library
124 Sea Grove Main Street, St. Augustine Beach
Saturday April 14, 2018 from 1:00 to 3:00 PM
Four local Authors will talk about their books and do book signings. They will talk about what they have published, the publishing process and what compelled them to write their books. Expect the unexpected.
Mary Greenwood, Former Attorney, Mediator and HR Director; Author How to Interview Like a Pro,How to Mediate Like a Pro and How to Negotiate Like a Pro.
Diane Machaby, Former Nonprofit Director; Author,When God Showed Up
Sally Constain, Former Teacher and Librarian; Author, The Keys to Fanny and Sometimes I wonder, a poetry chapbook.
Dr. Edward Micholus, former CIA Officer; Author of 34 books on terrorism, intelligence, humor, education, biography, and inspiration.
Come join us for an afternoon for readers and writers.
Anyone else going to the AWP (Association of Writing Professionals) Conference in Tampa this week (March 7-10, 2018)?
I will be signing my recently-published book, the Third Edition of How to Negotiate Like a Pro, How to Resolve Anything, Anytime, Anywhere.
Where: Booth T1611 sponsored by the IWWG (International Women Writers Guild) at the Tampa Convention Center at 333 S. Franklin St. When: Thursday, March 8 at 2:00 to 3:00 PM Who: Mary Greenwood has been an Attorney, Human Resources Director, Arbitrator, Law Professor, Union Negotiator, Mother and Grandmother, Mediator, Ebay Queen, English teacher and award-winning author (34 book awards).
What: Greenwood's vast experience has prepared her to write How to Negotiate Like a Pro, How to Interview Like a Pro and How to Mediate Like a Pro. Why: After you have read Mary Greenwood's books, you will be negotiating, mediating or interviewing like a pro.
For more information, visit www.MaryGreenwood.org or email at Mgreen464@aol.com
Writer's Block, St. Augustine Record, Sunday February 11, 2018
How-to Book, How to Negotiate Like a Pro, Offers Practical Advice for Resolving Anything, Anytime Anywhere
by Robert Gold, Author of Dead to Rights and Cut of the Cross
What a useful publication! Although initially written for business negotiations, How to Negotiate Like a Pro, How to Resolve Anything, Anytime, Anywhere, now in its third edition, includes negotiations with spouses (both former and present), siblings banks, restaurants, hotels, credit card companies, eBay buyers and sellers and even difficult people.
You know those all too many bullies, liars and narcissists we seem inevitably to encounter these days wherever we go? Mary Greenwood has a special chapter (No. 7) for those people. That chapter was added to the third edition because she noticed the increased amount of "anger and resentment" in our society since the last edition was published five years ago.
How to Negotiate Like a Pro has a total of 15 chapters and 41 rules to follow for success as a negotiator. Although I sincerely found every one of the chapters (and most of the rules) to be pragmatic and reasonable, some stood out as especially useful. The third chapter, Negotiation Strategies, and chapter 11, How to Negotiate and Get Good Customer Service, are among my favorites.
Then there is the funny chapter 4, Extreme Tactics, which includes such rules as "walk away," "create a diversion" and tell them to "take it or leave it." Those rules are extreme, but most of us, at one time or other, have wanted to follow those same directions in disputes.
Rule No. 26 is one we should all study and, if possible, memorize for future use in negotiations or games, such as chess, Monopoly, and poker. It is entitled "Watch the other side's body language" and offers the following good advice, which in some instances I have paraphrased. Poker players speak of watching the other side's body language as looking for "tells," body movement that tells (reveals to them) the strength of the opposing players' cars.
1. Avoiding eye contact may be a sign of lying. 2. Temper tantrums may be effective as a distraction. 3. Placing a hand on one's face may be a sign of frustration. 4. Crossing one's arms or legs may incite resistance to your proposal (You will definitely see resistance if you are playing Monopoly and offer to trade another player Baltic Avenue for Boardwalk.) 5. Clenching one's jaw may indicate anxiety or stress. 6. Standing/sitting straight with good posture may suggest confidence. 7. A raised eyebrow may show surprise.
The conclusion of How to Negotiate Like a Pro provides an excellent summary of the 41 rules, which when put all together appear to be essential to any negotiation we might experience in our lives. Recognizing their significance and utility, the author includes them for the readers' easy access. Greenwood herself still reads them over before her professional work as an arbitrator and mediator.
Appendix B, Traits of a Good Negotiator, at the end of the book is also well worth reading and remembering. In the appendix, the author lists 20 preferred behavioral traits that we as well as negotiators should possess. They are the traits that will improve all of our daily human interactions.
How to Negotiate Like a Pro is a useful how-to book that offers much more than negotiation skills to the reader.
Q and A With Author Mary Greenwood
1. What inspired you to write this book?
I wrote the first edition of How to Negotiate Like a Pro as a result of my experience negotiating union contracts. I have more than 25 years experience as a lawyer, negotiator, editor, arbitrator, law school professor and human resources director. I had an aha! moment when I realized that the rules of negotiating union contracts are the same as negotiating everything else in life, such as negotiating with your boss, your spouse, your bank or your children and when buying a car. I wrote the third edition to add a chapter on negotiating with difficult people including pathological liars, narcissists, and bullies. I also have a new chapter on How to Apologize Like a Pro, with some examples of poor apologies and how they can be revised to be meaningful and heartfelt. I have noticed over the last few years that civility of often lacking and many negotiators are unprepared, unreasonable and unpredictable. I have sense a lot of anger and divisiveness in the public discourse. My theory is that you can negotiate anything with anyone, but with some people, it may take a lot longer. Of course, both sides have to be willing.
2. What type of research was involved?
The book is based solely on my own experience and anecdotes. I purposely have not read any books on negotiations or mediation since deciding to write books on these topics.
3. How would you describe your writing process?
I start with an outline and then start writing Each book percolates in my head for awhile, but when I start writing, I just keep going. I usually have a few false starts and may not use a lot of what I have written, or save it for another book. I spend a lot of time editing and proofreading.
4. What do you hope readers get out of the book?
I hope readers will have the confidence to try to get the best deal, whether asking their boss for a salary increase or deciding where to go to dinner with their spouse. I have scripts after each rule that are a guide to practice what you are going to say before starting any topic in the negotiation.
5. Who is your favorite author?
I have read all of Herman Melville and James Joyce. For fun, I read all of John Grisham's books as they are published.
Visit www.MaryGreenwood.org, Author of How to Negotiate Like a Pro, Winner of 9 book awards; How to Interview Like a Pro, Winner of 12 book awards; and How to Mediate Like a Pro, Winner of 12 book awards.
After my Dad died, my sister Sara and I made a list of his sayings. It was therapeutic to remember his favorite sayings, which we called Jackisms. He was the most optimistic person I ever knew and his sayings reflect that. He also loved strange and interesting words. We miss you.
JACK GREENWOOD’s Jackisms 1915-2009
A Gentleman and A Scholar
1. If you stick with me, you will be wearing diamonds.
2. Keep your snorkel up
3. Keep your chin up
4. Better than a sharp stick in the eye
6. Bellyup (like a fish)
7. Don't take any wooden nickels
8. Let it roll off your back.
9. Roll with the punches.
10. As I live and breathe.
11. You are a sight for sore eyes.
12. Go get 'em tiger.
13. Connecticut is God's country
14. Connecticut is the banana belt of New England
15. The head gink.
16. Never get into a pissing contest with a skunk.
17. Put your best foot forward.
18. Always dress your best.
19. Go pound sand
20. Knock them dead
21. You can always tell a Greenwood, but you can't tell him much.(printed on pens at 90th birthday party)
22. What have you done for your country today?
23. Hold the fort.
26. Don't forget your mittens. (from Shaggy Dog movie and when my sister, Marnie rented the porch to live)
27. Good on you.
28. Everyone is a critic
29. Give me high test (coffee)
30. That will grow hair on your chest
31. That will stick to your ribs
32. That is good for what ails you.
33. Have a hot toddy.
34. Pipe down
35. Hold the phone (stop)
36. Hold your horses
37. He's a peach of a guy
38. Trust in the lord
39. You don’t know how to eat.
by Mary Greenwood, Author of How to Interview Like a Pro, 43 Rules For Getting Your Next Job. Winner of 12 Book Awards. www.marygreenwood.org
Calling an older applicant a derogatory name can be age discrimination and grounds for a complaint or lawsuit.
The following is a list, by alphabetical order, of some names not to call your employees or applicants. It does not matter if there is no malicious intent or the comments were meant as a joke or term of endearment. The fact that they are said can be enough to show Age Discrimination.
Before you meet with an applicant, look at this list so that you are sure that you remember not to use any of these terms.
Aged, ancient, antediluvian, antiquated, antique, and archaic.
Bat, battle-axe, been-around-the block, and broken-down.
Can't teach an old dog new tricks, cautious, creaky, and crone.
Dear, debilitated, declining, decrepit, difficult to train, dinosaur, and duffer.
Elder, elder statesman, emeritus, enfeebled, and elderly.
Fart, feeble, fossil, and fusty.
Geriatric, getting on, goat, golden-ager, grandma, grandpa. grey, grey-haired, and grizzled.
Has-been, honey, and hoary.
Impaired, inactive, and infirm.
Mature and Methuselah.
Not a spring chicken, not creative, and not relevant.
Obsolete, old, olden, old bag, old duffer, old-fangled, old-fashioned, old goat, old guard, old hat, outworn, oldie, old man, old school, old-timer, old woman, on last leg, out-dated, over-the-hill, and over-qualified.
Passe, past his/her prime, prehistoric, primeval, primordial, and prune,
Relic, retired, resistant to change, and rusty.
Seasoned, senile, senior, shot, and slow.
Technologically challenged, time-worn and tired.
Worse for Wear.
You might say that you would never use any of these terms in the workplace and perhaps that is true. However, employers spend millions of dollars each year resolving age discrimination cases.
Some of these terms may sound innocuous enough, like grandma, grandpa, or even elder. If these innocent-sounding words are used to tease older employees or applicants and make them feel uncomfortable, that can be part of an age discrimination claim, especially if the younger employees are treated differently from the older employees.
Some of these terms may be stereotypes for older applicants, such as, can't teach a dog new tricks, resistant to change, cautious, technologically challenged and difficult to train. A stereotype is a fixed, generalized view of a group that is usually negative and not based on fact. The reality is that each person is different. A younger person can be technologically challenged and an older person may be a whiz at computers so the stereotypes are detrimental in the workplace.
While you may not hear jokes about race or gender much these days, somehow it is okay to tell a joke about an old geezer. That is changing as older applicants and employees know their rights.
Five Rules For Women Negotiators (They apply to men, too.)
Can women negotiate as well as men? There are some stereotypes that women cannot negotiate as well as men—that women are not aggressive enough, that they take things too personally, or that they are too emotional. Others may think women may have an advantage in negotiations—that they are more patient, nurturing and methodical.
As a woman negotiator myself, I believe that negotiators, men or women, develops their own technique using their own strengths and weaknesses. Overall the same rules apply to men as woman. However I have listed five rules that should particularly help women negotiators
1. It Does Not Hurt To Ask. If You Don’t Ask, You Don't Get.
It does not hurt to ask for something. This is especially true when dealing with a boss. Ask for that raise or promotion. Even if you don’t get it, your boss may admire your pluck and keep you in mind for future promotions. If there is something very important to you, it is good to get it out on the table. However do your research and be prepared to defend what it is you want and why you should get it. Don’t think that if you deserve a raise or promotion you will get it without initiating the conversation. In a job offer, try asking for more money and see what happens. If you have a bad customer experience at a hotel, ask for something like an upgrade or a free night. The results may surprise you. The worst that can happen is that the other party says “no.”
2. Never Take No For An Answer
If you ask for something you really want and it is denied, don't take “no” for an answer. Try to find out why they are saying "no". Try to think of a different way to convince the other side to give you want you want. Go back to the drawing board and try to ask for what you want in a different way. Even a minor change, a compromise or rephrasing might make your offer more palatable. If this is an important issue, suggest a trade-off or package deal, so the other side might be motivated by getting something they want.
3. Look the Part
You are the one who should set the tone of the negotiation. When you come into the room for the first time, you should look the part. You should wear professional clothes. A woman should not wear a lot of distracting jewelry, especially if it jingles as you move. Carry the accessories of success such as a nice briefcase and notebook. Project the image that you want. You might want to try it in front of a mirror a few times. Practice introducing yourself. You want to give good eye contact and be a good listener. You want to seem knowledgeable about the issues or issues to be discussed. Think of the expression, "Fake it till you make it." Being a good negotiator is like being a good actor. Remember to play your part and look the part.
4. Never Let Them See You Sweat
It is important to check your emotions at the door before trying to negotiate anything. Emotions such as anger can make one lose control. If you are nervous, upset or unsure of yourself, you need to focus on what you hope to accomplish and tell yourself that nothing is going to stand in the way of your goal. If the other side sees weakness, it may try to bait you, so don't give him/her the satisfaction of knowing he/she has gotten to you. When I am upset with the other side, instead of getting angry, I actually speak more softly and more slowly to get my message across. Don't let your emotions interfere with the negotiation and never let them see you sweat!
5. Be Prepared
Like the Girls Scouts, you must be prepared. If women feel they are not always taken seriously, they may have to work extra hard to do their research and be prepared. Much preliminary work must be done. If you are not completely prepared, consider delaying the start of the negotiation. If you try to wing it, you will regret it. It is important to have all the answers in advance. You cannot be over-prepared.
If you follow these Rules, you should be able to Negotiate Like A Pro.
I always learn something about negotiating after a visit with my grandsons, ages 2 and 4. One of my grandsons was very interested in obtaining a special car from the Cars and Cars 2 movies, which are his all-time favorites. He was very insistent that he wanted a special car and was unwaivering in his desire for his father to buy it for him. Watching him, I learned a lot about persistence and have incorporated some of these rules into my own negotiations.
Rules on Persistence
1. Don't give up.
2. Have a one-track mind.
3. Ignore whatever is being discussed and go back to that issue every chance you get.
4. Remind the other party frequently that this is all that you want.
5. Tell the other party that you are willing to have a tantrum if you don't get it.
6. Tell the other party that there is no substitute for the item you want.
7. Keep talking about this item no matter what is being discussed.
8. If you see it, pick it up in the store and don't put it back.
9. Make it clear that you are not leaving unless you get this item.
10. If there is discussion you don't want to hear, put your fingers in your ears and say "la-la-la-la-la."
11. Explain that you do not have an identical one at home; the one at home is green and this one is blue.
12. Explain that even if this is expensive, it will be worth the cost because you will not ask for another one.
13. Even if this won't fit in the suitcase, it can be shipped home.
14. Explain that this is the only thing that can make you happy.
15. If all else fails, say,"I know you are, but what I am I."
16. If offered another item, don't look at it.
17. Don't get distracted and focus on your goal.
18. Keep saying the same thing over and over no matter what.
19. Don't compromise. Why should you?
20. Point out that your birthday is coming up.
21. If all else fails, say, "The heart likes what the heart likes."
22. I might be running away from home.
23. I really need this.
24. In fact, I really need two of these so they can race each other.
25. I really need the carrying case, too.
26. Timmy's Mommy lets him have one.
I wrote this in 2011 and my grandsons are even better at negotiations now. I have watched these strategies in action and am going to try them in the adult world. Try these techniques in your own negotiations and see where it takes you. Maybe my grandsons can write my next book.
Mary Greenwood, Mediator, Attorney and Author of
How To Negotiate LIke A Pro: Winner of 9 book awards ; How to Mediate Like a Pro, Winner of 12 book awards; and How too Interview Like a Pro, Winner of 13 book awards. www.MaryGreenwood.org
How to Mediate Like a Pro and How to Negotiate Like a Pro, How to Resolve Anything, Anytime, Anywhere are textbooks at DePaul University, NSU, Malta U, UCF, UNT, UAA, and Brown
How to Mediate Like a Pro and How to Negotiate Like a Pro, How to Resolve Anything, Anytime, Anywhere have been used as textbooks in several College and University courses and workshops on Mediation, Negotiations and Alternate Dispute Resolution (ADR), including the University of Alaska at Anchorage, DePaul University, Nova Southeastern University, University of Malta, University of North Texas at Dallas, University of Central Florida and Brown University.
For more information contact www.MaryGreenwood.org; www.amazon.com/author/marygreenwood Mary's email: MGreen464@aol.com
First Reviews of Mary Greenwood’sAward-Winning How to Negotiate Like a Pro, Third Edition,with new chapter on Negotiating with Difficult People.
St. Augustine Fl..– Here is what the reviewers are saying about the third edition of How to Negotiate Like a Pro, How to Resolve Anything, Anytime, Anywhere:
Susan Violante for Reader Views: “Overall I found the author did an awesome job presenting the reader the ballpark information needed to prepare, conduct and close a negotiation, regardless of whether at a professional or personal level. My favorite part of this book was the scripts, as they actually provided me with words as instruments to apply a negotiation strategy. …I was surprised on how confident I felt going into a more formal level when negotiating with a customer. “
Jo Manning, published author. “Mary Greenwood’s books, which include How to Mediate Like a Pro and How to Interview Like a Pro, are written in an approachable, succinct, reader-friendly, no-nonsense manner. Negotiation strategies are key, and Greenwood is very clear as to how strategizing works to one’s ultimate benefit. She is the ‘pro,’ who will guide you to becoming a pro. Her subtitle is How to Resolve Anything, Anytime Anywhere and she lives up to it. Greenwood’s tips on dealing with narcissists are spot on. —and again how timely.” How to Negotiate Like a Pro is “brilliant and succinct.” “These tips are useful to everyone, at every stage of our lives, and especially in these trying times, and you will thank Mary Greenwood each time you use it for writing it.”
Sally Helen Constain, published author. “I leave it on my night table as a reference book. Mary clarifies and guides the reader. This is an eye-opener and can be a life changer. The writing style is clear and conversational. Highly recommended for everyone, and also makes a great gift.”
Nadine Salazar. “There is so much new updated material in the Third Edition and an exceptional new chapter on How to Negotiate with Difficult People. This edition encompasses so much more, old and new. Congratulations on a well-written book.”
Earlier editions have won 9 book awards: Winner, Indie Excellence; Winner, DIY Book Festival; Finalist, National Best Book Awards; Finalist, ForeWord Book of the Year; Runner-up (2 categories,) New York Book Festival; Finalist Readers Favorite; Finalist, International Book Awards; Honorable Mention, London Book Festival.
About the Author
Mary Greenwood is an attorney, negotiator, mediator, arbitrator, human resources professional, and author of three award-winning books. Greenwood lives in St. Augustine, with her Boston terrier, Annabelle. For more info, see WWW.MaryGreenwood.org; www.Amazon.com/Author/MaryGreenwood; Mary’s email: Mgreen464@aol.com.
Have you made your New Year's Resolutions yet? Some say resolutions are made so they can be broken. Start with a list, a very short list. What do you want in 2018 that you did not achieve in 2017 even though you tried. What worked? What didn't work? What held you back?
How to Negotiate With Your NemesisIn relationships, whether at home or at work, there is usually at least one person who is a friction point. No matter what you do or say, no matter whatever strategy you use, it usually turns out badly. You said too much; you said too little; you were too mad; you were too angry. This person is your nemesis. Just visualizing your nemesis or even just saying your nemesis' name probably elicits an emotion like anger, fear, or annoyance. Like all of us, you probably have more than one but pick one to use your new skills.
1. Don't be Distracted by Your Emotions
A. What is it that irritates or angers you about this person?Sometimes this is hard to determine, but focus on how you feel after you have a discussion or argument with the nemesis. Did they say something or do something that hurt your feelings?
B. Once you have figured out what makes them so maddening, try to neutralize that feeling.Try to get beyond what made you mad in 2017 and resolve to be neutral in their presence and that you will try some new techniques in 2018.
C. It does not matter whether you like the other side or not.Some people are obnoxious, rude and insulting. However, this does not mean that it is impossible to negotiate with them although it might be more difficult. The other side may be playing you and trying to "get your goat" as my mother would say. The key is to focus on the negotiation and ignore the other side's efforts at baiting you.
D. Can you proceed?Decide whether the time and energy to deal with this nemesis is worthwhile. If a person is toxic to your life, then you have to make a decision as to whether the negotiation is worth saving and whether you are willing to give it another try. This is why many people like to communicate through their attorneys because they don't even want to look at the other party.
2. Techniques to Deal With Your Nemesis
A. Don't let the other person get under your skin or into your head.Sometimes the best way to succeed is to ignore the comments, especially if they do not pertain to the negotiation. Push ahead to say what you are specifically willing to accept.
B. Let the other side rant but make it a short rant.A healthy amount of venting can go a long way. Sometimes the nemesis wants to rant about the past,so let him. Just don't take the rant seriously or let it affect your mood. It is almost like recess for children. A few minutes in the playground can clear the mind.
C. If things are going well, keep going, If things are not going well, take lots of breaks.If things are getting too emotional or you are not making any progress, breaks can help. It allows the parties to calm down and you can prepare another strategy if the current one is not working.
D. Schedule according to the personality of your nemesis.If your nemesis is a night owl, don't schedule a meeting in the morning. If your nemesis needs three square meals a day, be aware that your nemesis' angry attitude may be caused by hunger. Have snacks and healthy food available.
E. Try humor.Humor can reduce the tension of a tense negotiation. A well-placed joke can do wonders. Just make sure it is clean and not sexist or racist. That kind of joke would do more harm than good. Everyone likes a good laugh and it helps all parties relax a little.
F. Know when to hold and know when to close.If your negotiation is not going well, your may want to declare an impasse. Try everything you can to keep the negotiation going. If you are making some progress, no matter how little, it may be worthwhile to continue. However, if you have not made any progress for awhile, it may be time to throw in the towel.
3. Techniques to Negotiate With Your Nemesis
A. How to Negotiate With a narcissist a. What is a narcissist?A narcissist lakes empathy and does not care about your point of view. A narcissist is arrogant, boastful, egocentric, self-important and selfish.
b. Leave your ego at the door.When negotiating with a narcissist, try to make the narcissist look good. That means you may look bad, but consider this negotiation an acting job. You may have to compliment the other side. Be as sincere as you can muster.
c. Get to the point quickly.Narcissists have a short attention span so don't make it overly complicated. Bullet points work best. Skip the background material you might use in another setting.
d. Never interrupt a narcissist.Don't be insulted if a narcissist interrupts you. Narcissists interrupt because they think that what they have to say is more important that what anyone else has to say.
e. Give the narcissist all the credit.If the negotiation gets resolved, give the credit to the narcissist. If the negotiation goes badly, take the blame.
B. How to Negotiate With a Bully
a. Ignore the bully tactics. You are not going to intimidate the bully with the same tactics he or she uses. You need to ignore his bully tactics or remarks and remain confident.
b. Out-prepare the bully.You should always be prepared, but when dealing with a bully you need to be over-prepared. Draft your resolutions, prepare your backup plans and memorize your talking points. Try to predict what the bully's goals are and what will be his objections to your proposals. Your preparation will also help your self-confidence.
c. Call out the bullyWhen the bully acts out and raises his voice or tries to threaten the negotiations, ask him a few questions and see what the response is. You must remain calm and not ask these questions with anger or intimidation in your own voice. ou can ask in a matter of fact tone, "Why did you come to the negotiation today if you don't want to participate? What exactly did you expect from these negotiations today."
d. If the bully continues his intimidation techniques, give him an ultimatum.You could say something like this in a calm voice, "I am finding your behavior intolerable today. If you want to try again tomorrow with your counter-proposals, let's see if we can reach an agreement.
e. Give him one last chance; then walk away.If the bully does not make concessions or want to participate in the negotiations, then declare an impasse and walk away. It would be pointless to continue.
C. How to Negotiate With a Liar a. Tell the Truth, Even when those around you are obviously lying, be sure you are telling the truth. If you start lying, too, the negotiations are doomed.
b. Assume everything the liar says is a lie unless proven otherwise.When negotiating with a liar, you need assume everything is a lie and act accordingly.
c. Take detailed minutes of all negotiating sessions. Since you are assuming everything said is a lie or will be denied later on, it is important that you have good records of all of your meetings. If both parties agree, it would be even better to record all meetings. Try to have your side be responsible for the recording. if you don't record, then take detailed minutes of each meeting. At the beginning of each meeting, pass around the transcription or minutes of the previous meeting for the parties to approve. If it is denied later on, you have proof that it was earlier agreed to by all parties.
d. Get everything in writing.Have the other side sign any provision agreed to by both parties as soon as possible. Have a draft available at the meeting so it can be signed after both parties agree to it. This will make it difficult, but not impossible, for the liar to change his mind later on.
If you follow all these tips, you will be negotiating like a pro.
Excerpts from Third Edition of How to Negotiate Like a Pro, How to Resolve Anything, Anytime, Anywhere by Mary Greenwood. Visit. www.MaryGreenwood.org
I am an attorney, mediator and author of three award-winning books: How to Negotiate Like a Pro, Third Edition, winner of nine book awards; How to Interview Like a Pro, winner of 12 book awards, and How To Mediate Like A Pro: 42 Rules for Resolving Disputes, which has won 12 book awards;