I Violated My First Rule of Negotiation

Even though I wrote How To Negotiate Like A Pro:41 Rules to Mediate Like A Pro, sometimes I violate my own rules. Today I violated Rule One:Focus on the Goal: Don't be Distracted by Your Emotions.

"It is important to check your emotions at the door before trying to negotiate anything. Emotions such as anger can make one lose control. We have all seen someone who gets red in the face and starts shaking his finger and generally looks as though he could easily have a heart attack. Sometimes that person is so mad that he is incoherent. You ned to get past that stage if you are going to succeed..."

Let me step back and tell you what happened. A friend gave me a gift certificate for $100 at a nearby restaurant because I had taken care of his Boston Terrier. We went to the restaurant for lunch a few weeks ago and spent $76.00. After we finished the meal, the waiter told me I had $24.00 remaining on my gift card.

Today we went back to the restaurant to use up the $24.00 on the gift card. We had a great lunch and the bill came to $36.00. I gave the waiter my credit card and the gift card expecting that I would pay the difference or $12.00 plus tip. After a few minutes, the manager came back and said that the card had zero balance. I said that was impossible and that there was $24.00 left. He also said that the card was only good for one visit. I explained that we had relied on the waiter's statement; otherwise we would have gotten two or three desserts to go at the previous visit.

Since it was such an upscale restaurant, I really thought they would give us the benefit of the doubt. However, the manager acted as though we were trying to pull a fast one. Something clicked and all of a sudden, I got really angry and started yelling. I asked him if he had ever heard the expression the "customer is always right," and he said no. I also asked why he would not stand by his waiter's comments and he said he did not have to since we were in the wrong. I yelled at him that we would never come back to the restaurant and I would tell everyone in the neighborhood how he had treated me. He said he did not care what I did and that it wasn't about the $24.00 anymore. At that point, I knew nothing good was going to come from this and paid the $36.00 on my credit card and left in a huff.

What did I do wrong? Everything. I raised my voice and got upset with the manger when I should have been concentrating on my goal of getting my $24.00. At one point, I had forgotten about the $24.00 and getting mad at the manager was counter-productive. Instead of coming up with new arguments, I just kept repeating the same argument and when he did not agree, I got agressive.


What could I have done differently? This altercation surprised me because it was an outcome I did not expect. I really felt that the $24.00 was my money and really could not believe they were not honoring the gift certificate. If I had been more pleasant and suggested to the manager that the staff were not familiar with the rules of the gift certificate,perhaps he would have reconsidered. Threatening him with not coming back or telling my neighbors, of course, fueled the flames.

What is the lesson I learned? First of all, it is easy for emotions sneak up on you during an argument. There was something in the manager's tone that set me off. I realize now that I need to be more aware of my feelings and tone them down accordingly. I needed to give the manager all my reasons in a reasonable manner. I blamed the waiter, but he was not there to help me so I needed a Plan B.

This was a valuable lesson for me. I realized that I am human and I can get mad just like everyone else even if I wrote a book on negotiations. It also proved to me that my Rule is a good one and it is almost impossible to negotiate when angry. If I had to do it over again, I would have controlled my anger, and been pleasant to the Manager, I think.

How would you have handled this situation? IF you have some suggestions, I would love to hear them.